Let’s just start by saying that I’m very hesitant to use the “B” word with regard to an almost-teen.  But when she’s mirroring her mother, there really isn’t any other word that even comes close to describe her behavior.

The therapy session with dad started with full-blown tears as the 12-year old listed off all the reasons why she hates dad and wants to live with her mother full-time.  It’s not worth describing every point made for even the 12-year old struggled to come up with actual reasons why.  I’ll summarize:

“You never listen…” = “I’m angry that I’m not getting my way.”  This mostly pertains to having to go to school and limiting WiFi at night.  Dad’s not listening is actually dad being a responsible parent by making sure his daughter gets an education and the sleep she needs.

“You’re stubborn…” = “I’m still not getting exactly what I want and no matter how many times I make my argument, you stubbornly say no.”  In addition to going to school, this includes dad’s insistence upon adding something healthy to her otherwise all-sugar diet.  No, we don’t consider Nutella a healthy food group nor do we allow her to take the Costco sized tub of peanut M&Ms to her bedroom.  The last time she did that, the entire tub was eaten in less than 36 hours.

“You never buy me anything…” – “I feel entitled to buy everything I want and resent any restrictions whatsoever.”  Despite the fact that the brand new gaming computer box is still sitting upstairs at our house, everything that makes its way to mom’s house, the 12-year old has been led to believe mom bought for her.  This goes for clothes, room decorations, dad’s personal skateboard, and a bike from grandma.  It is truly beyond my understanding how mom can convince her daughter that she is the only one buying things.

“All my friends hate being here…” – “My friends and I would rather be at moms where there are no rules.”  Never mind the fact that we’re driving everyone to the ski slopes and paying for private snowboarding classes…

Weak reasoning aside, the therapy session took a dire turn the moment the 12-year old reduced dad to tears.  Although she had used her own tears for added affect throughout the session, the moment dad finally cracked, the 12-year felt she had finally won.  She turned stone cold – ZERO emotion – Earning nothing short of the “B” designation.  Even with the therapist’s guidance that she would regret this decision to alienate her father, the 12-year simply replied that she didn’t care and that it was her regret to have.

Whew…  Seriously, where do you go from here???

Her reactive sense of calm, coupled with her total lack of empathy, in response to her father’s distress, is what disturbs me the most.  In a way, this 12-year old is acting out the exact same behaviors that her mother used to.  Since mom no longer has the ability to unload as usual, she’s using her own daughter as an outlet… Finding a warped sense of fulfillment every time her daughter hurts her father on mom’s behalf.

Sadly, some patterns live on through children long after divorce.  And while this 12-year old may not recognize it now, this time with dad that’s being stolen from her is precious.  My hope is that she recognizes the alienation game mom is playing out of spite and that she has an abundance of opportunities to love and be loved unconditionally by her father.

Life is too short to stubbornly accumulate regrets.