Tag Teenagers

Resiliance

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When my partner’s 12-year old asked us what “useful information” learned in Jr High and High School has helped us over the course of our lives, our initial response was “nothing…”  Aside from occasionally helping her with her math homework, I can’t think of a single point in my adult life wherein calculus has proven useful.

She’s making an argument (yes, this is pretty much the daily routine) for switching to an online school program.  Argument being that she’ll be able to go at an accelerated pace and graduate early.  All good right?!  Of course, I’m pretty sure it has more to do with simply not wanting to go to school or do homework – an acceptable excuse to stay home and game all day.  Damn COVID has made these kids believe that going to school and doing homework is optional – that they can’t fail or be held back.

Which made me reevaluate her question.  The classes may have come and gone without impacting my life.  But the social skills – core life skills – I learned during those uncomfortable, socially awkward formative years were absolutely instrumental in becoming the person I am today.

Most import of these life skills – Resilience.

I learned how to pick myself back up after falling flat on my face.  I learned how to handle the mean girls (who later become mean co-workers) and how to let things roll off my back by not taking everything personally.  I learned how to push myself past my limitations – to push through my anxiety and fear of public speaking to get a project done or stand in front of a classroom for a presentation.  Basically, I learned how to push myself to become more than I was at age 12.

What’s going to happen to these kids who have never failed and have “anxiety passes” to leave class anytime they feel stressed or uncomfortable?  What happens if this 12-year old checks out of her life physically and emotionally to live virtually?

So I’d like to rephrase my answer.  What did I learn?  Everything essential to growing up to become an independent, successful, and happy adult.

Giving in to this 12-year old’s desire to excuse herself from the growing pains of teen-hood feels like the biggest mistake we could make.  She’s just beginning her self-discovery journey.  Sure, it’s a bumpy ride, but I would rather she learn that she’s stronger than she thinks and can handle this marvelous game called LIFE.

If I could give her just three pieces of advice right now (and if she could actually hear it):

1.  Failure(s – many) is the precursor to success – We will never succeed if we’re too afraid to try… Or too weak to pick ourselves up when we fall flat on our face.  Fail gloriously and often and you will enjoy sweet success.

2.  Pushing past our comfort zones is how we expand and grow – We cannot create and become if we’re restricted by self-imposed limitations.  Drop all the labels and reinvent yourself any way you like… any time you like.

3.  Live your life – Watching other people’s air-brushed, glossy “faux” lives online isn’t living.  Our “now” is precious – step away from the electronics and enjoy a fully present, sensational life.

Of course, I’m looking back on these teenage-angst years from a safe distance… You couldn’t pay me enough to repeat them.

Cover Your A$$ – Not Design It

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The moment the words came out of her mouth, I couldn’t help but chuckle… She was making an argument for needing new clothes – designer clothes – and was making her big finish by surmising that it’s dad’s “responsibility” as her father to clothe her.

Now normally, I leave the public debate with the 12-year-old up to my partner, but I couldn’t help but take my cue from my mother’s gamebook and quickly responded: “It’s your dad’s responsibility to cover your ass, not design it.”

Damn it, I’ve become my mother.  She warned me that one day this would happen, and I couldn’t help but burst into laughter over the very thought of it.

“It’s not that funny,” the 12-year old wasn’t quite sure what just happened… Was dad going to buy the Lululemon leggings or not?

I grew up with the “B-word” – Budget.  Something this girl has absolutely no concept of.  Material possessions flow in effortlessly and flow out equally without hesitation.  No saving up for something special, taking meticulous care, and appreciating to the fullest.  Just toss it on the pile of other stuff on the floor and chuck it for something new when the mood hits.

While my partner shares my budging values, he feels responsible for fulfilling all his daughter’s needs.  So when she says she needs something like shampoo, my partner automatically thinks “basic needs” and has it ordered on Amazon within seconds… Never considering the $95 price tag.

Enter Peer Pressure…

Then there’s the best friend who explained how things work at her house (their moms are also best friends if that gives you some idea of how incestuous this is).  She then described how she throws out all her clothes twice a year – whether she likes them or not – and her parents buy her a brand new wardrobe…  Sometimes two of everything so she can keep her favorites at both her mom’s and dad’s houses…  Apparently, “It’s just easier that way.”  Oh, and you can forget about doing your own laundry – they have a maid for that.

So when this 12-year old looks at us with disgust and proclaims in her snootiest of tones – “You never buy me anything!” I am truly dumbstruck.  You would think that our lack of fulfilling her every desire was somehow abusive behavior.   My goodness, don’t even get me started with the fact that she considers it easier to buy something new than do laundry or bring some of her clothes back to our house.

Back to mom’s playbook…

My first piece of advice?  No 12-year old “needs” $120 leggings… The $20 Fabletics version will suit her just fine.  Right now, she’s growing like a weed.  Nothing fits long enough to make $120 worth it.

I then suggested giving her a monthly allowance – Then hold her to it!  Here’s my logic:

1.  Teaches her to prioritize – She’s thinking through her overall purchases, how everything works together, and determines what items are most important to her.  Now we’re investing in a wardrobe, not just buying mindlessly.

2.  She does the math – She looks at and tracks the prices, learns how to calculate the 30% discount, and tallies up total costs.  That, alone, is more math than she’s done this past year in school.

3.  Appreciation – At the end of the month when she’s spent her allowance and “needs” something, she just might appreciate dad for giving her extra (rather than simply expecting it) – might.

In essence, she’s learning a bit about the value of money.

It takes effort to instill values in our kids.  We have to stand firm and be good parents in order to raise kids who become smart and savvy adults.  The alternative would still be paying off her credit cards when she’s 40… Yea, the extra effort now is well worth it.

For the record, she decided that grocery store shampoo works just fine and opted for a new skateboard over the Lululemon leggings.  Bravo girl!

Win at All Costs

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Did I mention that her mother’s a lawyer?  A pretty cutthroat one for that matter.  This explains most of the 12 year old’s master manipulative negotiation tactics and her need to win at all costs…

Let’s start with the fact that my partner is a really good dad.  He always makes himself available and listens intently.  Even if the answer is an immediate “no”, he will spend hours upon hours listening to her arguments so she feels heard and valued.  That’s how good of a man he is.  Of course, his daughter is more than willing to push his kindness limits and assumes that if he’s listening, there’s an argument to win.  So she keeps arguing… and arguing… and arguing…

One day I finally had to point out the fact that his “I’ll think about it” was being perceived as “I just need to argue my case better” to win… Which only prolongs the exhaustive negotiations.

To support my take a step back theory, we have more perspective for our partners if we’re not in the middle of the hostile negotiations. When you’re not part of the argument, you notice the subtle undertones. I know exactly when she’s lying, how the story changes slightly to cover it up, and the overly emotional meltdown to distract if she feels the cover-up isn’t fooling him. All my husband saw is that she lost her shit and is now bawling hysterically so he needs to jump in and “fix it” for her.

Keep it on the sidelines – Once the 12 year old gets her “win” and the household settles, I’ll then share my thoughts privately.  I’ve learned that rational and practical is all he wants to hear – NOTHING EMOTIONAL – for his daughter just drained every ounce of energy from him.

I’ve amused myself by naming a few of her negotiation tactics:

Twisting:  Making the assumption that dad has already said yes to what she’s been asking for… then making him responsible for fulfilling the conditions he put in place to say yes to her request. 

Diverting:  If she finds that she’s unable to win the argument at hand, she will actually start an entirely different argument that she thinks she can win.

Upper Handing:  Giving dad the silent treatment saying that he should know why she’s angry.  He’s then responsible for engaging in an effort to fix it… On her terms … oh, and after her gaming…

Assuming: It’s easier to make an assumption because then she doesn’t have to make any effort whatsoever… Of course, that won’t fly with dad so just lie and say she’s tried and it didn’t work… If he’s not buying it, just keep giving more and more examples (lies) to support the assumption.

Eyelash Batting:  “So dad….” Is how this negotiation starts… Almost coyly, before making the ask.  This maneuver, my friends, is a very manipulative woman in the making… with an expensive purse collection to show for it.

I can give him as much insight as he’s willing to see. But this last week he had a huge awakening as he questioned her ever-growing, myriad of arguments about not wanting to go to school – She’s not feeling well, the boys aren’t nice to her on the bus, she has social anxiety disorder, her teacher’s are mean and aren’t helping her get caught up on late homework assignments, she doesn’t have anything to wear, she’s bored because she’s too smart for this school, it doesn’t matter because they have to pass her like last year’s COVID excuse… It goes on and on…

What did my partner learn the moment he cut out the argumentative s#*$? The truth can be found by going to the source.

That included meeting with her principal to have her actually fill out a complaint against the boys who she feels have been bullying her; Meeting with her counselor and truancy officer to get everyone on the same page; and Meeting with teachers to get homework assignments.

Result? All the lies were revealed and she’s back in school after having missed a full quarter. Now wasn’t that worth three trips to her school?

Simple “Sage” Advice

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Who says that advice has to be complicated to be life changing?

I’m all about little tweaks and ideas that can make a big impact on our day-to-day living with step-teens.  Because, let’s face it, it’s usually the little stuff that drives us the most bat-shit crazy right?  It’s the dull “duh” look on their face when we ask them to clean their bedrooms… The “huuuh” we get anytime they finally look up from their phone and acknowledge the fact that we’ve been talking to them for the last five minutes.

So when the advice offered by highly educated professionals in glossy best-selling books fails me, I’m totally open to down and dirty “street advice” from someone who has been there and done that.  Better yet – Someone who found a little tweak in the daily routine that shifted the frustration accumulated after weeks of dumbstruck “huuuhs”. 

I’m calling this little piece of advice “sage” because of it’s guru-given effectiveness and it compliments the fact that I occasionally burn sage to clear energy in our house (hey, I made NO promise to be normal here).  It was so basic, in fact, that I couldn’t believe such a tiny adjustment could completely dismantle the routine stalemate of the 12 year old pretending she can’t hear me.

She sits at the kitchen counter, so totally engrossed with her anime video (or YouTube friends, take your pick), that she completely ignored my six attempts to ask her if she’s hungry and what could I make for her.  Of course, she can always hear every word of the conversation I’m having with her father in an entirely different part of the house… But that’s a whole other post…

It’s not personal, she does it to her father as well.  But he has more patience than I do.  Me, on the other hand, would stand there to a point where I thought I might crack.  And at just the moment when I was ready to walk away, she’d lift her head lazily and stare blankly at me like she had no idea I was evening standing there… “Huh?”  (Insert fake smile here)… Let me repeat myself…

I used to wonder if these little acts were intentional to drive us crazy.  To clarify – not really – just self-serving in the moment.  But try ignoring their “request” text and you’ll get a slew of follow up “hello?!” texts to get your immediate attention.  So they know it’s rude, they are just too self-absorbed with their phones to care.

What was this sage advice?  Never ask, just state and walk away.

It worked like a charm!  I casually walked through the kitchen making a simple statement – “Hey – There’s pita and hummus in the fridge if you’re hungry.” – I was out of earshot by the time she lifted her head.  But guess what?  She got up and made herself a pita and hummus snack.

I know, I know, a tiny feat in the grand scheme of things.  But the impact it has made on my life personally has been HUGE.  It has completely dismantled this particular pattern and restored a piece of my sanity.  Isn’t that what sage advice is all about?

Perhaps these little tidbits of advice are exactly what we need to change up the energy in our homes and make a positive impact in our lives.  Nothing monumental (but totally open to inspiration when it hits).  Just support on a particularly difficult day or through an experience that pushes us to our limits. A reminder to breathe – step away from the stalemate – and shift our perspective.

Lost in Translation

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This post is dedicated to translating some of my step-teen’s go-to verbiage…. Of course, it includes my somewhat sarcastic interpretations.

“You aren’t listening to me” – You’re not giving me what I want right now.

“You NEVER listen to me” – Var. You’re still not caving in and giving me what I want.

“You’re always working and have no time for me” – See Ex-Wife’s complaints

“I need (fill in the blank)…” – Let’s face it, there is nothing this kid needs.  She already has 19 pairs of this particular “need” and they’re probably either at her mother’s house or dirty on her floor.

“No thank you” – I don’t care for this particular option you’re offering so I’ll take a pass and eat candy later rather than dinner now.  (Wow – I’ll dedicate an entire post to this one)

“I just want a snack” – I want candy right now, not something healthy.

“I’ll do it later” – I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of doing it.

“You made me late (or insert excuse)” – I need to place blame on someone other than take responsibility – and you seem to fall for it.

“But you said I could” – This is a crap-shoot people.  They’re hoping we’re so old that we forgot that we said no to something.  Even if it was a maybe – take a hard line on this one because it’s slippery slope.

“Why?” – If this is following a hard “no” – DON’T ENGAGE.  They’re looking for excuses – something they can argue.  Stand solid behind that no… And no, we don’t need an excuse.

“But you do it (insert snippy remark)” – That’s right, because we’re adults and have earned that right – You have not.’’

“But all my friends… (insert what everyone has that she thinks she’s lacking)” – See “Budget” and “If your friend jumped off a cliff…”

“You’re so mean (insert any variation thereof)” – CONGRATULATIONS – You’re an awesome parent!

Feel free to add your own definitions – Would love to see them. Cheers!

F*@# Step-Hood

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I am changing my focus with regard to my travel chic blog.  I’ve landed in the States in a completely new life with my partner and his 12 year old daughter that’s beyond foreign to me.

Let’s just start out with the fact that I chose not to have children.  Even as a little girl, I would line my friends and their dolls up on the floor over a stretch of fabric and carefully cut out patterns to sew them clothes while they played house.  There was always a part of me that knew I needed the freedom of flying solo to spread my wings and explore the world.

Now, at 40-something, I’m playing house with a slightly hostile pre-teen that pushes and argues every boundary to exhaustion, then performs Hollywood-worthy meltdowns if she doesn’t get her way.  It’s not just physically and emotionally draining… Some days it’s drains my very soul.

Not having children of my own, I’m missing out on all the parent-support that exists out there.  Not being her actual mother, I’m not socially acceptable by her friend’s mothers who pledged their alliance to the ex.  And while there are amazingly supportive communities online who have handled these challenges for far longer than I have, I have yet to find my “people.”

Who are my people?  Brutally honest, candid, and don’t take offense.  I have no time or energy for sugar-coating or being perfectly PC in a world that searches for reasons to take offense.  Because sometimes we just need to vent and not worry about who’s offended by our use of the F-word.  I need people who can find humor amidst even the darkest and dreariest of days – We either laugh or cry through our toughest experiences and I prefer to laugh.  And (of course) someone who will keep the wine flowing until we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That is my ultimate goal – Create a space where anyone can share freely and know that we are not alone.  However, I also want to create a positive and uplifting space where we don’t get stuck sharing more horror stories than kind support and unique insights.  It’s a little too easy to get caught up in the one-upmanship of “well you think that’s bad… just you wait until I tell you what happened to me…”

If you feel so inspired, please join me.  Warning – Things may get a little blunt and just might include inappropriate language when appropriate words fail to support us.  There will definitely be a heavy dose of sarcasm followed by laughter over extremely inappropriate of things.  But I promise to always keep a positive focus because that’s just who I am. 

Welcome!  Let me pour you a glass of wine.

Now let’s share the good, the bad, and funny-as-hell stuff about our step-hood experiences.  There’s never a lack of drama in this step-world.