Every weekly exchange between moms house and dads house is a challenge. We call it “coming in hot” to describe the hostile, angry energy this girl brings with her every Sunday night. We’re quite aware that her mother makes incredibly disparaging remarks about her father in front of her… She carries her mother’s hostility out of loyalty to mom, but has no idea that it’s not hers.

We’ve taken the high ground with hopes that someday she will realize that we have never said anything negative about her mother – to her or in front of her. But she’s 12 and still believes everything her mom is telling her, which pretty much makes her act like a total B*$@% as she mirrors her mother’s reality.

That said, we’re prepared.  We know it will take at least 3-4 days to shake some of the hostility.  The “I hate you” wall will begin to crumble the more time she spends with us… and, if we’re lucky, we might enjoy a “sweet spot” movie night or lovely afternoon by the pool over the weekend.  But come Sunday… the buildup begins as she prepares to make the transition back to moms… Then we start the process all over again.

Amidst this roller coaster of lashing out – emotional breakdowns – stalemates – and (hopefully) connection, I’ve learned that we step-parents need to occasionally take a big step back.  Not just for own sanity’s sake, but for that of our partner.  Reactively jumping into every lunacy “phase” only contributes our own frustrations to the problem.

I’ll admit I’ve struggled with this.  I was raised with the “be a united front” advice that I’m now realizing only works if you actually have a parental united front.  Since a co-parenting united front isn’t going to happen anytime soon and I’m not part of that actual parental unit, I’ve had to learn how to disengage.

Perhaps even more difficult, has been standing back and watching him get battered and bruised through the weekly process of burning off all that angry mom energy.

Some days all I can do is take a deep breath and step out of the way.  Trust that my partner can do this…. Then support the hell out of him from the sidelines to ensure just that. We need to be the clarity that only comes from an objective perspective… The safe harbor when our partner’s need refuge from the storm.  And we can’t do that if we’re engaged in battle.