Yes – I brought up the idea that a child’s behavior could actually be considered abusive in my last post.  Whew!  I said it… and by the tone of things, I can see that while people may think it, no one actually openly admits and says it.

So let’s break this down a bit –

Kids triggering their parents overall?  Definitely!  Particularly teenagers.  Kids trigger us in ways only a parent could love them unconditionally through.  And even then, they’ll push it even further and further to find out exactly what the limits are.  It’s their job to push boundaries, make mistakes, and discover their own way.  Teen-hood has never been pretty, even with the most mild-mannered children.  Bumps and bruises are to be expected.

Children of Divorce?  Make that a double.  I think it’s safe to assume that triggers will be doubled as kids not only push their own regular boundaries, but emulate a parent’s ex-spouse who obviously knew exactly how to triggers us to our breaking point – Hence divorce.

In addition to the regular bumps and bruises, there will likely be broken bones and gloriously spectacular tantrums as they learn how to pit one parent against the other.  Let’s face it, children of divorce become master manipulators.  With no checks and balances between parents, they learn early how to “work the system” to get what they want.

So when does it actually become abusive?

I believe this happens when you have a parent who is abusive (there – I said it).  These are the ex’s that have no personal boundaries and use their child to specifically hurt their ex.  Manipulating and projecting their own issues onto their child which, I consider, abusive in and of itself.  Their basic goal is to alienate their children from their ex and make them hate their ex as much as they do.  Because it stems in abuse, children simply emulate it.  This is just how mom treats dad (or vice versa), so it’s ok in their minds.

I would be willing to bet that these kids aren’t even aware of the idea that they are emulating abusive behaviors because they, themselves, are part of the same abusive loop being used by the manipulating parent.

While I can’t stand this term, I find that it applies. Hurt people hurt others – aka – Abused kids abuse others…

What I dislike the most about that statement is that it removes personal choice.  We are not destined to hurt or abuse others just because we’ve been hurt of abused – It’s a choice we make.  But perhaps we need to be mature enough to recognize when we’ve been hurt or abused – how we tend to project those feelings outward – before we are able to make that choice.

At age 12, she’s not even aware of the anger and hate her mother lays on her shoulders… Least of all capable of making an active choice to act upon it or not.  Right now, loving dad feels like a betrayal to mom, so she spits out her mother’s words of hate and anger, not even realizing that they are not hers.

People tell me that she’ll get it when she’s older… Perhaps my bigger fear is that she won’t and lives a life similar to that of her mother’s, holding onto all that needless hurt and rage.

Which leaves me with this – the ONLY thing we can control is how we choose to live and treat each other.  We need to BE the loving, supportive, and thoughtful people that we want this 12-year old to grow up to be.  SHOW her what a household of respect and kindness feels like and trust that one day she will choose this better feeling place and release her anger.

In the meantime, we are constantly trying to release this “battle” that we’ve never been engaged in.  That’s her mother’s delusion.  And while it feels like mom is winning short-term, we’ve got our eye on the long-term prize – raising an amazing human being who will someday choose to be happy.

Would a 12-year old lie about a friend’s suicide?

That is the hard reality we were faced with this past week.  Our heart’s ached as the 12-year old was “inconsolable…”   Which resulted in staying at mom’s house and not going to school.  It also resulted in our “do everything to make her feel better” weekend when we picked her up.  Friday night started with taking her to a concert with her friend (who stayed the entire weekend), a trapeze class Saturday, a “polar plunge” pool afternoon, and outdoor movie night.  Every effort was made to take her mind off this tragedy.

Then came Sunday night…

Rage is the best way to describe it and… unfortunately… it isn’t even hers so she’s unable to fully articulate why she’s so angry – she just IS.  It started out with her complaint that dad doesn’t buy her anything… that she didn’t want to go to trapeze class (even though she had been asking for it for months)… that dad forced her to stay at trapeze camp even though she was tired… etc. etc. etc. 

She hysterically packed three bags and walked out the door – To which we found her mother already parked in the parking lot of the park near our house (of course her mother lied when my partner called and said she was at home so it wouldn’t look like they were in cahoots).

All a mountain of lies…

The stalemate ended with the 12-year old sitting in her mother’s car listing off all the reasons why she hated living with him and wanted to live with mom.  My partner was reduced to tears and simply stated “I love you…”  To which the 12-year old swiftly responded “well I don’t like you” and turned away.

This literally broke my partner’s heart and I tear up just imagining how badly I would feel if I had ever reduced my own father to tears.  We rely on this 12-year old’s empathy to remind us that she is not her narcissistic mother.  Without empathy, we fear she’s lost.

Come dawn, my partner had an epiphany – At dad’s house, the 12-year old has to go to school or all electronics are taken from her… But at mom’s, she can do whatever she likes without any repercussions.  So when we got the call from the school notifying us that she wasn’t there, followed by his ex’s slew of texts complaining that her daughter was refusing to go to school and she couldn’t handle it anymore, we weren’t surprised in the slightest.

Which, I hate to say, then had us questioning the validity of this online friend’s death… The extent she might go to just to skip school…

There’s an ongoing battle, even though my partner and I avoid conflict at all costs and refuse to participate.  The mother thought she won the moment her daughter proclaimed that she hated dad and reduced him to tears – Well done narcissist mom, you got exactly what you wanted.

But in actuality, the warped winner here is the 12-year old who missed yet another week of school with no consequences whatsoever.

If Sunday night’s tantrum is indicative of what this 12-year old is willing to do to get what she wants, I worry for both my partner’s heart and this young girl’s soul.  Closely tied to my Win at All Costs post – How do you create a loving and uplifting household with a child who is literally unable (or unwilling) to care about anyone else?

My partner will never give up on his daughter – The amazing father that he is and always will be.

Only now, I feel the need to help protect my partner from these abusive outbursts.  And I know I might strike a chord using the “abusive” word, but this is the same narcissistic abuse inflicted by her mother which led to the demise of a marriage.

Which leaves me with this – How do we break this cycle?