To all parents and step-parents out there, let me just say that my “F*@# Step-hood” position is in no way indicative of not wanting to be this amazing “bonus” in this 12-year old girl’s life.  In fact, I feel I have far more to give than I ever could have during my ego-centric 20’s or building what I thought was success in my 30’s.  I’ve explored, I’ve built, and have totally revamped what is important in my life… And he happens to come with a daughter.  A tenacious, compassionate girl who is as eager to express herself dressed in Anime-Goth as she is to argue every reason in the world as to why she can’t go to school today.

Let’s face it, as a step-parent, we’re pretty much f&*#ed from the get-go.  We’re “competition,” perhaps even a contributing factor to the demise of a marriage, even if it’s been years since the divorce and the ex has long moved on.  We’re secondary in every single way – second to children’s needs; second in line at parent-teachers night; and we may even still be second on their parent’s family picture wall as they refuse to take down his prior wedding day photo.

Even so, I have utmost respect for those who handle the ongoing challenges of parenthood.

Here’s to parents – I hold good parents in the highest possible regard.  It takes gumption – true grit – to face the trenches day in and out while keeping an eye on the ultimate goal of raising good children who become happy, independent adults.

Here’s to Step-Parents – Cheer’s to every “step-(inset title here)” for I do believe it takes a certain amount of sainthood to walk into a ready-made family and willingly take on exhaustive responsibilities for children who are programed to dislike you (dislike being the kindest word I can find at the moment).

My F*@# Step-hood stance is based on my understanding that confusing these two roles is what creates the most friction with step-children.  Because we “steps” are NOT their parents. 

And kids resent it.  Particularly kids of divorced parents.  They’ve experienced total upheaval and need the sense of safety and security that only comes when their parents are showing up for them regularly – Proving their love and commitment to them day in and out.  The huge job of being a parent IS a big deal… not one to shirk off onto the new wife or boyfriend.

When we’re placed in a position to parent another’s child, we can’t help but step on parental toes… and disrupt the kid’s expectations.  It’s not our job.  As a bonus person in a child’s life, all we really need to do is show them love and support… and stay in our lane*.  What does that looks like?  Consistency – Show them that we are fully committed to this new family structure and there for them.  Just think “cool aunt” not wicked step-mother. 

Of course, that’s not always possible.  Our partners need support, we have home rules that need to be upheld, and personal boundaries that deserve to be respected.  Even in our step-hood role, we inevitably become deeply involved whether we want to or not.

Whew! Now that we’ve clarified the whole F*@# it title… Let’s get down to sharing ideas and advice that makes living with step-children a little easier.

*Stay in our lane is a term I learned reading Gabrielle Union’s books – We’re Going to Need More Wine & You got anything stronger? Thank Gabrielle for a fresh perspective.