Tag advice

Don’t Let the Ex (or children under the influence of the ex) Delay or Diminish Your Joy

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We received a 100% positive response from my partner’s 12-year old when he asked her about our getting married.  We toasted this happy event over mimosas (mostly OJ for the 12-year-old) and envisioned a lovely wedding on the beach – Just the three of us.

Then his ex-wife found out…

Over the course of 2 short months, we watched this happy and thriving 12-year old go from getting all A’s and a B at school, develop medical conditions and social anxieties so that she could stop going to school altogether.  This spiraled to her not having any friends… Feeling bullied by boys…  Not wanting to do anything but hang out in her room and game… And, in the end, came crashing down with her hating dad and wanting to live full time with mom.

Our focus quickly shifted to therapy sessions, doctor’s appointments, and meetings with the principal, teachers, and school counselors.  This no-win situation with his daughter’s outbursts became all-consuming, impacting every area of our lives from our home environment, business affairs, and even our mental sense of well-being.

We stopped discussing wedding plans and even the mention of being “engaged” felt too taboo to bring up in conversation.  It was as if we hit “pause” on our experience of joy so we could handle the pressing matters at hand.

I learned long ago that the only thing I can control in these so-called “no-win” situations is how I choose to perceive the experience.  And as I found myself taking a large step back from the situation, I had a little epiphany – Perhaps this total upheaval was exactly what his ex was relying upon to exert control… Using her daughter to thwart our happy plans and punish her ex by turning their daughter against dad.

There are no solutions when you’re covered in mud and engaged in war.  The only better-feeling perspective I could find was simple – Rise above it. 

Simple – Not easy. 

In fact, it can feel rather brutal stepping into a joyful personal space when those we love are stuck in the mud.  But we have to remember this – No guidance is acceptable for someone who stubbornly refuses to be guided… No amount of love can lift someone from their darkness if they don’t want to be lifted.

Even though the majority of this 12-year old’s decision to hold onto anger and blame has been heavily influenced by her mother, it’s still her decision to make.  Like she told her therapist – her regrets are hers to have.

In the meantime, we realized that marriage was for us and toasted with a Rabbi and two witnesses… Acknowledged the importance of feeling safe and hired the best estate attorney to protect our family trust… Refocused our energy and are now happily working our butts off expanding our company’s prospects… And we just made travel arrangements for a trip to Puerto Rico wherein the 12-year old’s phone will “accidentally” meet an early demise to give the three of us a chance to reconnect sans her mother’s constant text interruptions.

My advice?  Don’t let the ex (or children under the influence of the ex) delay or diminish your joy.  Just because our happiness might make some people uncomfortable, as they would prefer us to be miserable, is NO reason to hide our light or play small.  Live the life you choose.  Trust that eventually the kids will get bored with waging war and will want to join us in our feel-good space.

Or not…

That is entirely their choice to make.

Simple “Sage” Advice

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Who says that advice has to be complicated to be life changing?

I’m all about little tweaks and ideas that can make a big impact on our day-to-day living with step-teens.  Because, let’s face it, it’s usually the little stuff that drives us the most bat-shit crazy right?  It’s the dull “duh” look on their face when we ask them to clean their bedrooms… The “huuuh” we get anytime they finally look up from their phone and acknowledge the fact that we’ve been talking to them for the last five minutes.

So when the advice offered by highly educated professionals in glossy best-selling books fails me, I’m totally open to down and dirty “street advice” from someone who has been there and done that.  Better yet – Someone who found a little tweak in the daily routine that shifted the frustration accumulated after weeks of dumbstruck “huuuhs”. 

I’m calling this little piece of advice “sage” because of it’s guru-given effectiveness and it compliments the fact that I occasionally burn sage to clear energy in our house (hey, I made NO promise to be normal here).  It was so basic, in fact, that I couldn’t believe such a tiny adjustment could completely dismantle the routine stalemate of the 12 year old pretending she can’t hear me.

She sits at the kitchen counter, so totally engrossed with her anime video (or YouTube friends, take your pick), that she completely ignored my six attempts to ask her if she’s hungry and what could I make for her.  Of course, she can always hear every word of the conversation I’m having with her father in an entirely different part of the house… But that’s a whole other post…

It’s not personal, she does it to her father as well.  But he has more patience than I do.  Me, on the other hand, would stand there to a point where I thought I might crack.  And at just the moment when I was ready to walk away, she’d lift her head lazily and stare blankly at me like she had no idea I was evening standing there… “Huh?”  (Insert fake smile here)… Let me repeat myself…

I used to wonder if these little acts were intentional to drive us crazy.  To clarify – not really – just self-serving in the moment.  But try ignoring their “request” text and you’ll get a slew of follow up “hello?!” texts to get your immediate attention.  So they know it’s rude, they are just too self-absorbed with their phones to care.

What was this sage advice?  Never ask, just state and walk away.

It worked like a charm!  I casually walked through the kitchen making a simple statement – “Hey – There’s pita and hummus in the fridge if you’re hungry.” – I was out of earshot by the time she lifted her head.  But guess what?  She got up and made herself a pita and hummus snack.

I know, I know, a tiny feat in the grand scheme of things.  But the impact it has made on my life personally has been HUGE.  It has completely dismantled this particular pattern and restored a piece of my sanity.  Isn’t that what sage advice is all about?

Perhaps these little tidbits of advice are exactly what we need to change up the energy in our homes and make a positive impact in our lives.  Nothing monumental (but totally open to inspiration when it hits).  Just support on a particularly difficult day or through an experience that pushes us to our limits. A reminder to breathe – step away from the stalemate – and shift our perspective.