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  • Why “Steps” ROCK

    Let’s face it, sometimes we feel guilty about these poor children of divorce. The upheaval of home and dismantling of family. We know why they act out they way they do and we give them a lot of leeway to express the difficulties that living in dual-homes presents. Some of us go above and beyond trying to fill the void in these children. But guess what? That void is not ours to fill – That has to come from within.

    So my advice?  Get the F over it.

    The untold story is that Step-Parents F@$#ing ROCK.

    We have the opportunity to reprogram how these children view relationships.  Show them what loving and supportive relationships look and, more importantly, feel like – Something they will likely want in their own future.  So, in essence, we are doing them a huge favor by being in the family picture.

    I saw the flash of shock in her then 10-year old eyes.  I had done all the laundry knowing her father was pressed for time preparing for a business trip.  When he thanked me, I made a lighthearted remark – “That’s how much I love you!”

    That look of shock in her eyes told me everything – This was unchartered territory here.  Something she had never witnessed between her own parents.  Perhaps something she didn’t want to see as I playfully slapped his butt as I said it.  But essential for a happy, loving relationship.

    This girl is confused – muddled with her mother’s anger towards her father. So when she hears me praising something about her father, it’s met with a touch of distrust… for now…. I’m a firm believer that the truth will eventually set you free. We just have to continue taking the high ground no matter what lies the ex fills her daughter with.

    Aside from a loving relationship with her dad, what else do I offer this 12 year old?  Forty plus years of experience and wisdom…  Oh, and the fact that I don’t care what people think and have finally embraced my quirky nature.

    I’m teaching her how to become more mindful and connect with nature – “Tend the vines” as she has learned how to slow down and help me weave the vines growing in our back yard. I’ve taught her that at any point in our tough day, we can turn on ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” or Twisted Sister’s “I Wanna Rock” and shake it in the kitchen. She gets “cool Aunt” (coined by my nieces) advice on how to handle the mean girls at school. And my hope is that someday I can help her understand that her happiness is a choice she can make in any given moment – to simply let go and choose to feel good right now.

    Yes – She’s lucky to have me in the picture – My tarot cards, crystals, full moon dances, oddities and all… Perhaps at some point I’ll be ready to change my blog name to reflect this… But I still have 6 years of step-teen-hood to contend with… But hey, who’s counting right?

    The name stands for now…

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  • Simple “Sage” Advice

    Who says that advice has to be complicated to be life changing?

    I’m all about little tweaks and ideas that can make a big impact on our day-to-day living with step-teens.  Because, let’s face it, it’s usually the little stuff that drives us the most bat-shit crazy right?  It’s the dull “duh” look on their face when we ask them to clean their bedrooms… The “huuuh” we get anytime they finally look up from their phone and acknowledge the fact that we’ve been talking to them for the last five minutes.

    So when the advice offered by highly educated professionals in glossy best-selling books fails me, I’m totally open to down and dirty “street advice” from someone who has been there and done that.  Better yet – Someone who found a little tweak in the daily routine that shifted the frustration accumulated after weeks of dumbstruck “huuuhs”. 

    I’m calling this little piece of advice “sage” because of it’s guru-given effectiveness and it compliments the fact that I occasionally burn sage to clear energy in our house (hey, I made NO promise to be normal here).  It was so basic, in fact, that I couldn’t believe such a tiny adjustment could completely dismantle the routine stalemate of the 12 year old pretending she can’t hear me.

    She sits at the kitchen counter, so totally engrossed with her anime video (or YouTube friends, take your pick), that she completely ignored my six attempts to ask her if she’s hungry and what could I make for her.  Of course, she can always hear every word of the conversation I’m having with her father in an entirely different part of the house… But that’s a whole other post…

    It’s not personal, she does it to her father as well.  But he has more patience than I do.  Me, on the other hand, would stand there to a point where I thought I might crack.  And at just the moment when I was ready to walk away, she’d lift her head lazily and stare blankly at me like she had no idea I was evening standing there… “Huh?”  (Insert fake smile here)… Let me repeat myself…

    I used to wonder if these little acts were intentional to drive us crazy.  To clarify – not really – just self-serving in the moment.  But try ignoring their “request” text and you’ll get a slew of follow up “hello?!” texts to get your immediate attention.  So they know it’s rude, they are just too self-absorbed with their phones to care.

    What was this sage advice?  Never ask, just state and walk away.

    It worked like a charm!  I casually walked through the kitchen making a simple statement – “Hey – There’s pita and hummus in the fridge if you’re hungry.” – I was out of earshot by the time she lifted her head.  But guess what?  She got up and made herself a pita and hummus snack.

    I know, I know, a tiny feat in the grand scheme of things.  But the impact it has made on my life personally has been HUGE.  It has completely dismantled this particular pattern and restored a piece of my sanity.  Isn’t that what sage advice is all about?

    Perhaps these little tidbits of advice are exactly what we need to change up the energy in our homes and make a positive impact in our lives.  Nothing monumental (but totally open to inspiration when it hits).  Just support on a particularly difficult day or through an experience that pushes us to our limits. A reminder to breathe – step away from the stalemate – and shift our perspective.

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  • Lost in Translation

    This post is dedicated to translating some of my step-teen’s go-to verbiage…. Of course, it includes my somewhat sarcastic interpretations.

    “You aren’t listening to me” – You’re not giving me what I want right now.

    “You NEVER listen to me” – Var. You’re still not caving in and giving me what I want.

    “You’re always working and have no time for me” – See Ex-Wife’s complaints

    “I need (fill in the blank)…” – Let’s face it, there is nothing this kid needs.  She already has 19 pairs of this particular “need” and they’re probably either at her mother’s house or dirty on her floor.

    “No thank you” – I don’t care for this particular option you’re offering so I’ll take a pass and eat candy later rather than dinner now.  (Wow – I’ll dedicate an entire post to this one)

    “I just want a snack” – I want candy right now, not something healthy.

    “I’ll do it later” – I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of doing it.

    “You made me late (or insert excuse)” – I need to place blame on someone other than take responsibility – and you seem to fall for it.

    “But you said I could” – This is a crap-shoot people.  They’re hoping we’re so old that we forgot that we said no to something.  Even if it was a maybe – take a hard line on this one because it’s slippery slope.

    “Why?” – If this is following a hard “no” – DON’T ENGAGE.  They’re looking for excuses – something they can argue.  Stand solid behind that no… And no, we don’t need an excuse.

    “But you do it (insert snippy remark)” – That’s right, because we’re adults and have earned that right – You have not.’’

    “But all my friends… (insert what everyone has that she thinks she’s lacking)” – See “Budget” and “If your friend jumped off a cliff…”

    “You’re so mean (insert any variation thereof)” – CONGRATULATIONS – You’re an awesome parent!

    Feel free to add your own definitions – Would love to see them. Cheers!

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  • It’s Easy to Spin Out of Control

    Yesterday I got a little taste of just how quickly things can spiral out of control.  When I told a friend about my step-hood blog, he instantly began venting about his own experience with an ex and her three children that got more and more sensational by the second.  By the time his story reached the point where disrespectful children and their mother were being physically abusive, I had to slam on the breaks.  Woah!  This is certainly NOT the kind of support group I want to build here.  And while I appreciate everyone’s darkest experiences to the fullest, we simply can’t become part of the standard step-parent programming that spews negativity only.

    Admittedly, I’m not always in good form.  I catch myself in a good step-story just like the rest of us.  I just know when to catch my quick vent before it turns sour and drags our whole happy hour down.

    I consider myself more of a straight-up realist with an optimist twist.

    Bypassing my friend’s emotional buildup, I quickly scanned the actual storyline.  It was a disrespectful, abusive, sleeping in separate bedrooms kind of relationship.  So what had kept him there for nearly seven years?  Sex.  Well, that’s easy enough – Until it isn’t.  Sex has a way of skewing our reality with good old-fashioned dopamine – the original opioid.

    “Here’s where I want my focus to be.”  I skirted the one-upping another friend had jumped in with. 

    “There are a lot of places where people can vent,” I continued.  “Then it becomes a crazy negative vent-fest.  I want to create a space where we quickly vent and then focus on solutions… and if there is no solution, at least ideas on how to feel better… and if all else fails, a group of supportive people who can laugh at our situations to feel better for just a moment.”

    Of course, I had to define what “quickly venting” looks like.  Which actually includes boundaries on what venting DOESN’T look like.  To clarify: 1) It’s NOT giving the full story and background so all of it makes sense – Nothing needs to make total sense here.  In fact, that kind of story telling is exactly what keeps us stuck in the negative story loop; and 2) It’s NOT getting so tied to the emotional upheaval that it builds a full-blown case by adding several other experiences to prove our point.  I call this spiraling out of control because once we’re so identified with the negative feeling, we’ve completely lost our ability to shift our perspective.

    What is a quick vent?  It’s unpacking a challenge or experience with as little material detail as needed to get our point across and feel heard.  It’s all about sharing similar quick vents (NOT one-upping with a bigger challenge) so we know we’re not alone.  Then shifting our focus – finding the humor (even if there isn’t much to go with) and sharing ideas and solutions.

    While my focus is generally on keeping our marriages intact while navigating the crazy step-teen years (although I’m told they sometimes get worse in adulthood), that may not always be possible when our spouses do not support us.  My lunch friend’s no-win situation lacked even a basic core connection with his former wife – I congratulate him for leaving and rebuilding anew.  While another friend of mine loves her husband dearly, but has found herself in a difficult situation with his unruly children – I congratulate her for buying a second home and stepping away from some of the household drama during his visitation weeks.

    Life is too short to play the victim role like we don’t have options.

    WE ALWAYS HAVE OPTIONS – Even if we’re not willing to see them in the moment or courageous enough to simply walk away slowly….  

    It’s perfectly ok to take a step back and regroup.  I’m all for unique solutions.  Because we picked these partners of ours so let’s stand by them!  But that certainly doesn’t mean we have to be doormats…

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  • Disclosure

    To all parents and step-parents out there, let me just say that my “F*@# Step-hood” position is in no way indicative of not wanting to be this amazing “bonus” in this 12-year old girl’s life.  In fact, I feel I have far more to give than I ever could have during my ego-centric 20’s or building what I thought was success in my 30’s.  I’ve explored, I’ve built, and have totally revamped what is important in my life… And he happens to come with a daughter.  A tenacious, compassionate girl who is as eager to express herself dressed in Anime-Goth as she is to argue every reason in the world as to why she can’t go to school today.

    Let’s face it, as a step-parent, we’re pretty much f&*#ed from the get-go.  We’re “competition,” perhaps even a contributing factor to the demise of a marriage, even if it’s been years since the divorce and the ex has long moved on.  We’re secondary in every single way – second to children’s needs; second in line at parent-teachers night; and we may even still be second on their parent’s family picture wall as they refuse to take down his prior wedding day photo.

    Even so, I have utmost respect for those who handle the ongoing challenges of parenthood.

    Here’s to parents – I hold good parents in the highest possible regard.  It takes gumption – true grit – to face the trenches day in and out while keeping an eye on the ultimate goal of raising good children who become happy, independent adults.

    Here’s to Step-Parents – Cheer’s to every “step-(inset title here)” for I do believe it takes a certain amount of sainthood to walk into a ready-made family and willingly take on exhaustive responsibilities for children who are programed to dislike you (dislike being the kindest word I can find at the moment).

    My F*@# Step-hood stance is based on my understanding that confusing these two roles is what creates the most friction with step-children.  Because we “steps” are NOT their parents. 

    And kids resent it.  Particularly kids of divorced parents.  They’ve experienced total upheaval and need the sense of safety and security that only comes when their parents are showing up for them regularly – Proving their love and commitment to them day in and out.  The huge job of being a parent IS a big deal… not one to shirk off onto the new wife or boyfriend.

    When we’re placed in a position to parent another’s child, we can’t help but step on parental toes… and disrupt the kid’s expectations.  It’s not our job.  As a bonus person in a child’s life, all we really need to do is show them love and support… and stay in our lane*.  What does that looks like?  Consistency – Show them that we are fully committed to this new family structure and there for them.  Just think “cool aunt” not wicked step-mother. 

    Of course, that’s not always possible.  Our partners need support, we have home rules that need to be upheld, and personal boundaries that deserve to be respected.  Even in our step-hood role, we inevitably become deeply involved whether we want to or not.

    Whew! Now that we’ve clarified the whole F*@# it title… Let’s get down to sharing ideas and advice that makes living with step-children a little easier.

    *Stay in our lane is a term I learned reading Gabrielle Union’s books – We’re Going to Need More Wine & You got anything stronger? Thank Gabrielle for a fresh perspective.

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  • F*@# Step-Hood

    I am changing my focus with regard to my travel chic blog.  I’ve landed in the States in a completely new life with my partner and his 12 year old daughter that’s beyond foreign to me.

    Let’s just start out with the fact that I chose not to have children.  Even as a little girl, I would line my friends and their dolls up on the floor over a stretch of fabric and carefully cut out patterns to sew them clothes while they played house.  There was always a part of me that knew I needed the freedom of flying solo to spread my wings and explore the world.

    Now, at 40-something, I’m playing house with a slightly hostile pre-teen that pushes and argues every boundary to exhaustion, then performs Hollywood-worthy meltdowns if she doesn’t get her way.  It’s not just physically and emotionally draining… Some days it’s drains my very soul.

    Not having children of my own, I’m missing out on all the parent-support that exists out there.  Not being her actual mother, I’m not socially acceptable by her friend’s mothers who pledged their alliance to the ex.  And while there are amazingly supportive communities online who have handled these challenges for far longer than I have, I have yet to find my “people.”

    Who are my people?  Brutally honest, candid, and don’t take offense.  I have no time or energy for sugar-coating or being perfectly PC in a world that searches for reasons to take offense.  Because sometimes we just need to vent and not worry about who’s offended by our use of the F-word.  I need people who can find humor amidst even the darkest and dreariest of days – We either laugh or cry through our toughest experiences and I prefer to laugh.  And (of course) someone who will keep the wine flowing until we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    That is my ultimate goal – Create a space where anyone can share freely and know that we are not alone.  However, I also want to create a positive and uplifting space where we don’t get stuck sharing more horror stories than kind support and unique insights.  It’s a little too easy to get caught up in the one-upmanship of “well you think that’s bad… just you wait until I tell you what happened to me…”

    If you feel so inspired, please join me.  Warning – Things may get a little blunt and just might include inappropriate language when appropriate words fail to support us.  There will definitely be a heavy dose of sarcasm followed by laughter over extremely inappropriate of things.  But I promise to always keep a positive focus because that’s just who I am. 

    Welcome!  Let me pour you a glass of wine.

    Now let’s share the good, the bad, and funny-as-hell stuff about our step-hood experiences.  There’s never a lack of drama in this step-world.

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