Category Unpacking An Issue

Beware of Lightning While Reading This

FSH Leave a comment

Seriously, we’re going to talk about the one thing we feel so incredibly guilty and ashamed of that we might whisper it to our spouse or best friend, but we’ll very quickly follow it up with a Karmic Save Statement such as but of course I don’t mean it…. Then we’ll spend an inordinate amount of time mulling over such a terrible thought that we totally shame ourselves for ever having it.  What kind of person are we?!?!  Do unto others as we would do to ourselves.  Wait – Did I just condemn myself to a similar fate???!!!  SHIT!

The Ex asked if we could watch the 12-year-old for a few days while she went to the hospital.  Never mind the fact that it was technically our visitation week anyways that they’ve refused to comply with… and the fact that the only time we get to see the 12-year-old is when it’s convenient for the Ex such as having friends in town or, in this particular case, needs to seek overnight medical care.

Admission – We felt NOTHING upon receiving this information.  Then felt guilty over the fact that it crossed both our minds in that very moment about how much easier life would be IF…. Cue ominous music – Dun Dunn Duuuuunnnnnn!  I can’t even write it.

So we discussed this “void” of any emotional response with the simple question – “What does someone have to do to illicit absolutely NO compassion whatsoever from another?”  And believe me, we are totally compassionate people.  My husband tears up during Lifetime movies and I’ve had to ban the new Babies show on Netflix as it totally freaked me out watching the baby hippopotamus almost get swept away by the river and the baby seal get nipped at by a hyena.  This is for kids?!

So anyways… our list started out a bit like this…

  • She’s alienating and programming her daughter to hate her father… and her daughter has NO idea why she hates dad – she just DOES;
  • She regularly makes threats to call “her friends in blue” and “sue for full custody” (she’s an attorney who works for Metro – Abuse of badge much?!);
  • She’s playing best friend and lets her daughter do whatever she wants – Even if that includes enabling her daughter to make bad choices that could result in irreparable harm;
  • She enables her daughter to either avoid altogether or walk out on dad during his visitation time;
  • She lies to her daughter – Convincing her that dad doesn’t do anything nice or buy her anything, when reality proves quite differently;
  • She’s convinced her daughter that she has social anxiety and level 1 autism as an excuse for why her daughter doesn’t have to go to school and as to why mom doesn’t have to be a parent and enforce going to school;
  • She’s lied to every therapist her daughter has seen, making sessions more about her than her daughter’s needs.  And when each therapist starts to see through mother’s lies, she fires them and forbids her daughter from seeing them… And we’re left trying to get his daughter therapy all over again;
  • She aggressively engages in smear campaigns to get everyone on “her side” – In one instance, to the point where a friend’s mother actually asked if his daughter was “safe” at our house;
  • She agrees to one thing in front of the therapist/teacher/counselor/judge/etc. to placate and look like she’s the only one trying to resolve issues… Then does whatever she wants and blames the resulting fallout on dad;
  • She one-up’s our experiences, then tells her daughter that our experience never happened… So our trip to Knoxberry Farm was reduced to an hour stop-over while driving through town while her trip to Disneyland with mom was an all-week “fast past” trip of perfection.

And this is just the tip of the bitch iceberg…

“Well…” I interrupt our list, desperate to change the subject and enjoy the rest of our rare lunch together.  “At least this proves that her claim that she can’t make her come for visitation is total BS.”

Why yes, yes it does…

And while we had a rare moment (and I do mean moment) with his daughter, within 10 minutes of dad setting the expectation that she would be going to school the next day, mother miraculously healed and was released from the hospital.

Whew!  No lightning… For now…

Stone Cold B!&@#

FSH 1 Comment

Let’s just start by saying that I’m very hesitant to use the “B” word with regard to an almost-teen.  But when she’s mirroring her mother, there really isn’t any other word that even comes close to describe her behavior.

The therapy session with dad started with full-blown tears as the 12-year old listed off all the reasons why she hates dad and wants to live with her mother full-time.  It’s not worth describing every point made for even the 12-year old struggled to come up with actual reasons why.  I’ll summarize:

“You never listen…” = “I’m angry that I’m not getting my way.”  This mostly pertains to having to go to school and limiting WiFi at night.  Dad’s not listening is actually dad being a responsible parent by making sure his daughter gets an education and the sleep she needs.

“You’re stubborn…” = “I’m still not getting exactly what I want and no matter how many times I make my argument, you stubbornly say no.”  In addition to going to school, this includes dad’s insistence upon adding something healthy to her otherwise all-sugar diet.  No, we don’t consider Nutella a healthy food group nor do we allow her to take the Costco sized tub of peanut M&Ms to her bedroom.  The last time she did that, the entire tub was eaten in less than 36 hours.

“You never buy me anything…” – “I feel entitled to buy everything I want and resent any restrictions whatsoever.”  Despite the fact that the brand new gaming computer box is still sitting upstairs at our house, everything that makes its way to mom’s house, the 12-year old has been led to believe mom bought for her.  This goes for clothes, room decorations, dad’s personal skateboard, and a bike from grandma.  It is truly beyond my understanding how mom can convince her daughter that she is the only one buying things.

“All my friends hate being here…” – “My friends and I would rather be at moms where there are no rules.”  Never mind the fact that we’re driving everyone to the ski slopes and paying for private snowboarding classes…

Weak reasoning aside, the therapy session took a dire turn the moment the 12-year old reduced dad to tears.  Although she had used her own tears for added affect throughout the session, the moment dad finally cracked, the 12-year felt she had finally won.  She turned stone cold – ZERO emotion – Earning nothing short of the “B” designation.  Even with the therapist’s guidance that she would regret this decision to alienate her father, the 12-year simply replied that she didn’t care and that it was her regret to have.

Whew…  Seriously, where do you go from here???

Her reactive sense of calm, coupled with her total lack of empathy, in response to her father’s distress, is what disturbs me the most.  In a way, this 12-year old is acting out the exact same behaviors that her mother used to.  Since mom no longer has the ability to unload as usual, she’s using her own daughter as an outlet… Finding a warped sense of fulfillment every time her daughter hurts her father on mom’s behalf.

Sadly, some patterns live on through children long after divorce.  And while this 12-year old may not recognize it now, this time with dad that’s being stolen from her is precious.  My hope is that she recognizes the alienation game mom is playing out of spite and that she has an abundance of opportunities to love and be loved unconditionally by her father.

Life is too short to stubbornly accumulate regrets.