Category Introduction to the Step-Hood Blog

It’s Easy to Spin Out of Control

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Yesterday I got a little taste of just how quickly things can spiral out of control.  When I told a friend about my step-hood blog, he instantly began venting about his own experience with an ex and her three children that got more and more sensational by the second.  By the time his story reached the point where disrespectful children and their mother were being physically abusive, I had to slam on the breaks.  Woah!  This is certainly NOT the kind of support group I want to build here.  And while I appreciate everyone’s darkest experiences to the fullest, we simply can’t become part of the standard step-parent programming that spews negativity only.

Admittedly, I’m not always in good form.  I catch myself in a good step-story just like the rest of us.  I just know when to catch my quick vent before it turns sour and drags our whole happy hour down.

I consider myself more of a straight-up realist with an optimist twist.

Bypassing my friend’s emotional buildup, I quickly scanned the actual storyline.  It was a disrespectful, abusive, sleeping in separate bedrooms kind of relationship.  So what had kept him there for nearly seven years?  Sex.  Well, that’s easy enough – Until it isn’t.  Sex has a way of skewing our reality with good old-fashioned dopamine – the original opioid.

“Here’s where I want my focus to be.”  I skirted the one-upping another friend had jumped in with. 

“There are a lot of places where people can vent,” I continued.  “Then it becomes a crazy negative vent-fest.  I want to create a space where we quickly vent and then focus on solutions… and if there is no solution, at least ideas on how to feel better… and if all else fails, a group of supportive people who can laugh at our situations to feel better for just a moment.”

Of course, I had to define what “quickly venting” looks like.  Which actually includes boundaries on what venting DOESN’T look like.  To clarify: 1) It’s NOT giving the full story and background so all of it makes sense – Nothing needs to make total sense here.  In fact, that kind of story telling is exactly what keeps us stuck in the negative story loop; and 2) It’s NOT getting so tied to the emotional upheaval that it builds a full-blown case by adding several other experiences to prove our point.  I call this spiraling out of control because once we’re so identified with the negative feeling, we’ve completely lost our ability to shift our perspective.

What is a quick vent?  It’s unpacking a challenge or experience with as little material detail as needed to get our point across and feel heard.  It’s all about sharing similar quick vents (NOT one-upping with a bigger challenge) so we know we’re not alone.  Then shifting our focus – finding the humor (even if there isn’t much to go with) and sharing ideas and solutions.

While my focus is generally on keeping our marriages intact while navigating the crazy step-teen years (although I’m told they sometimes get worse in adulthood), that may not always be possible when our spouses do not support us.  My lunch friend’s no-win situation lacked even a basic core connection with his former wife – I congratulate him for leaving and rebuilding anew.  While another friend of mine loves her husband dearly, but has found herself in a difficult situation with his unruly children – I congratulate her for buying a second home and stepping away from some of the household drama during his visitation weeks.

Life is too short to play the victim role like we don’t have options.

WE ALWAYS HAVE OPTIONS – Even if we’re not willing to see them in the moment or courageous enough to simply walk away slowly….  

It’s perfectly ok to take a step back and regroup.  I’m all for unique solutions.  Because we picked these partners of ours so let’s stand by them!  But that certainly doesn’t mean we have to be doormats…

Disclosure

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To all parents and step-parents out there, let me just say that my “F*@# Step-hood” position is in no way indicative of not wanting to be this amazing “bonus” in this 12-year old girl’s life.  In fact, I feel I have far more to give than I ever could have during my ego-centric 20’s or building what I thought was success in my 30’s.  I’ve explored, I’ve built, and have totally revamped what is important in my life… And he happens to come with a daughter.  A tenacious, compassionate girl who is as eager to express herself dressed in Anime-Goth as she is to argue every reason in the world as to why she can’t go to school today.

Let’s face it, as a step-parent, we’re pretty much f&*#ed from the get-go.  We’re “competition,” perhaps even a contributing factor to the demise of a marriage, even if it’s been years since the divorce and the ex has long moved on.  We’re secondary in every single way – second to children’s needs; second in line at parent-teachers night; and we may even still be second on their parent’s family picture wall as they refuse to take down his prior wedding day photo.

Even so, I have utmost respect for those who handle the ongoing challenges of parenthood.

Here’s to parents – I hold good parents in the highest possible regard.  It takes gumption – true grit – to face the trenches day in and out while keeping an eye on the ultimate goal of raising good children who become happy, independent adults.

Here’s to Step-Parents – Cheer’s to every “step-(inset title here)” for I do believe it takes a certain amount of sainthood to walk into a ready-made family and willingly take on exhaustive responsibilities for children who are programed to dislike you (dislike being the kindest word I can find at the moment).

My F*@# Step-hood stance is based on my understanding that confusing these two roles is what creates the most friction with step-children.  Because we “steps” are NOT their parents. 

And kids resent it.  Particularly kids of divorced parents.  They’ve experienced total upheaval and need the sense of safety and security that only comes when their parents are showing up for them regularly – Proving their love and commitment to them day in and out.  The huge job of being a parent IS a big deal… not one to shirk off onto the new wife or boyfriend.

When we’re placed in a position to parent another’s child, we can’t help but step on parental toes… and disrupt the kid’s expectations.  It’s not our job.  As a bonus person in a child’s life, all we really need to do is show them love and support… and stay in our lane*.  What does that looks like?  Consistency – Show them that we are fully committed to this new family structure and there for them.  Just think “cool aunt” not wicked step-mother. 

Of course, that’s not always possible.  Our partners need support, we have home rules that need to be upheld, and personal boundaries that deserve to be respected.  Even in our step-hood role, we inevitably become deeply involved whether we want to or not.

Whew! Now that we’ve clarified the whole F*@# it title… Let’s get down to sharing ideas and advice that makes living with step-children a little easier.

*Stay in our lane is a term I learned reading Gabrielle Union’s books – We’re Going to Need More Wine & You got anything stronger? Thank Gabrielle for a fresh perspective.

F*@# Step-Hood

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I am changing my focus with regard to my travel chic blog.  I’ve landed in the States in a completely new life with my partner and his 12 year old daughter that’s beyond foreign to me.

Let’s just start out with the fact that I chose not to have children.  Even as a little girl, I would line my friends and their dolls up on the floor over a stretch of fabric and carefully cut out patterns to sew them clothes while they played house.  There was always a part of me that knew I needed the freedom of flying solo to spread my wings and explore the world.

Now, at 40-something, I’m playing house with a slightly hostile pre-teen that pushes and argues every boundary to exhaustion, then performs Hollywood-worthy meltdowns if she doesn’t get her way.  It’s not just physically and emotionally draining… Some days it’s drains my very soul.

Not having children of my own, I’m missing out on all the parent-support that exists out there.  Not being her actual mother, I’m not socially acceptable by her friend’s mothers who pledged their alliance to the ex.  And while there are amazingly supportive communities online who have handled these challenges for far longer than I have, I have yet to find my “people.”

Who are my people?  Brutally honest, candid, and don’t take offense.  I have no time or energy for sugar-coating or being perfectly PC in a world that searches for reasons to take offense.  Because sometimes we just need to vent and not worry about who’s offended by our use of the F-word.  I need people who can find humor amidst even the darkest and dreariest of days – We either laugh or cry through our toughest experiences and I prefer to laugh.  And (of course) someone who will keep the wine flowing until we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That is my ultimate goal – Create a space where anyone can share freely and know that we are not alone.  However, I also want to create a positive and uplifting space where we don’t get stuck sharing more horror stories than kind support and unique insights.  It’s a little too easy to get caught up in the one-upmanship of “well you think that’s bad… just you wait until I tell you what happened to me…”

If you feel so inspired, please join me.  Warning – Things may get a little blunt and just might include inappropriate language when appropriate words fail to support us.  There will definitely be a heavy dose of sarcasm followed by laughter over extremely inappropriate of things.  But I promise to always keep a positive focus because that’s just who I am. 

Welcome!  Let me pour you a glass of wine.

Now let’s share the good, the bad, and funny-as-hell stuff about our step-hood experiences.  There’s never a lack of drama in this step-world.