Author FSH

Beware of Lightning While Reading This

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Seriously, we’re going to talk about the one thing we feel so incredibly guilty and ashamed of that we might whisper it to our spouse or best friend, but we’ll very quickly follow it up with a Karmic Save Statement such as but of course I don’t mean it…. Then we’ll spend an inordinate amount of time mulling over such a terrible thought that we totally shame ourselves for ever having it.  What kind of person are we?!?!  Do unto others as we would do to ourselves.  Wait – Did I just condemn myself to a similar fate???!!!  SHIT!

The Ex asked if we could watch the 12-year-old for a few days while she went to the hospital.  Never mind the fact that it was technically our visitation week anyways that they’ve refused to comply with… and the fact that the only time we get to see the 12-year-old is when it’s convenient for the Ex such as having friends in town or, in this particular case, needs to seek overnight medical care.

Admission – We felt NOTHING upon receiving this information.  Then felt guilty over the fact that it crossed both our minds in that very moment about how much easier life would be IF…. Cue ominous music – Dun Dunn Duuuuunnnnnn!  I can’t even write it.

So we discussed this “void” of any emotional response with the simple question – “What does someone have to do to illicit absolutely NO compassion whatsoever from another?”  And believe me, we are totally compassionate people.  My husband tears up during Lifetime movies and I’ve had to ban the new Babies show on Netflix as it totally freaked me out watching the baby hippopotamus almost get swept away by the river and the baby seal get nipped at by a hyena.  This is for kids?!

So anyways… our list started out a bit like this…

  • She’s alienating and programming her daughter to hate her father… and her daughter has NO idea why she hates dad – she just DOES;
  • She regularly makes threats to call “her friends in blue” and “sue for full custody” (she’s an attorney who works for Metro – Abuse of badge much?!);
  • She’s playing best friend and lets her daughter do whatever she wants – Even if that includes enabling her daughter to make bad choices that could result in irreparable harm;
  • She enables her daughter to either avoid altogether or walk out on dad during his visitation time;
  • She lies to her daughter – Convincing her that dad doesn’t do anything nice or buy her anything, when reality proves quite differently;
  • She’s convinced her daughter that she has social anxiety and level 1 autism as an excuse for why her daughter doesn’t have to go to school and as to why mom doesn’t have to be a parent and enforce going to school;
  • She’s lied to every therapist her daughter has seen, making sessions more about her than her daughter’s needs.  And when each therapist starts to see through mother’s lies, she fires them and forbids her daughter from seeing them… And we’re left trying to get his daughter therapy all over again;
  • She aggressively engages in smear campaigns to get everyone on “her side” – In one instance, to the point where a friend’s mother actually asked if his daughter was “safe” at our house;
  • She agrees to one thing in front of the therapist/teacher/counselor/judge/etc. to placate and look like she’s the only one trying to resolve issues… Then does whatever she wants and blames the resulting fallout on dad;
  • She one-up’s our experiences, then tells her daughter that our experience never happened… So our trip to Knoxberry Farm was reduced to an hour stop-over while driving through town while her trip to Disneyland with mom was an all-week “fast past” trip of perfection.

And this is just the tip of the bitch iceberg…

“Well…” I interrupt our list, desperate to change the subject and enjoy the rest of our rare lunch together.  “At least this proves that her claim that she can’t make her come for visitation is total BS.”

Why yes, yes it does…

And while we had a rare moment (and I do mean moment) with his daughter, within 10 minutes of dad setting the expectation that she would be going to school the next day, mother miraculously healed and was released from the hospital.

Whew!  No lightning… For now…

Don’t Let the Ex (or children under the influence of the ex) Delay or Diminish Your Joy

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We received a 100% positive response from my partner’s 12-year old when he asked her about our getting married.  We toasted this happy event over mimosas (mostly OJ for the 12-year-old) and envisioned a lovely wedding on the beach – Just the three of us.

Then his ex-wife found out…

Over the course of 2 short months, we watched this happy and thriving 12-year old go from getting all A’s and a B at school, develop medical conditions and social anxieties so that she could stop going to school altogether.  This spiraled to her not having any friends… Feeling bullied by boys…  Not wanting to do anything but hang out in her room and game… And, in the end, came crashing down with her hating dad and wanting to live full time with mom.

Our focus quickly shifted to therapy sessions, doctor’s appointments, and meetings with the principal, teachers, and school counselors.  This no-win situation with his daughter’s outbursts became all-consuming, impacting every area of our lives from our home environment, business affairs, and even our mental sense of well-being.

We stopped discussing wedding plans and even the mention of being “engaged” felt too taboo to bring up in conversation.  It was as if we hit “pause” on our experience of joy so we could handle the pressing matters at hand.

I learned long ago that the only thing I can control in these so-called “no-win” situations is how I choose to perceive the experience.  And as I found myself taking a large step back from the situation, I had a little epiphany – Perhaps this total upheaval was exactly what his ex was relying upon to exert control… Using her daughter to thwart our happy plans and punish her ex by turning their daughter against dad.

There are no solutions when you’re covered in mud and engaged in war.  The only better-feeling perspective I could find was simple – Rise above it. 

Simple – Not easy. 

In fact, it can feel rather brutal stepping into a joyful personal space when those we love are stuck in the mud.  But we have to remember this – No guidance is acceptable for someone who stubbornly refuses to be guided… No amount of love can lift someone from their darkness if they don’t want to be lifted.

Even though the majority of this 12-year old’s decision to hold onto anger and blame has been heavily influenced by her mother, it’s still her decision to make.  Like she told her therapist – her regrets are hers to have.

In the meantime, we realized that marriage was for us and toasted with a Rabbi and two witnesses… Acknowledged the importance of feeling safe and hired the best estate attorney to protect our family trust… Refocused our energy and are now happily working our butts off expanding our company’s prospects… And we just made travel arrangements for a trip to Puerto Rico wherein the 12-year old’s phone will “accidentally” meet an early demise to give the three of us a chance to reconnect sans her mother’s constant text interruptions.

My advice?  Don’t let the ex (or children under the influence of the ex) delay or diminish your joy.  Just because our happiness might make some people uncomfortable, as they would prefer us to be miserable, is NO reason to hide our light or play small.  Live the life you choose.  Trust that eventually the kids will get bored with waging war and will want to join us in our feel-good space.

Or not…

That is entirely their choice to make.

Stone Cold B!&@#

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Let’s just start by saying that I’m very hesitant to use the “B” word with regard to an almost-teen.  But when she’s mirroring her mother, there really isn’t any other word that even comes close to describe her behavior.

The therapy session with dad started with full-blown tears as the 12-year old listed off all the reasons why she hates dad and wants to live with her mother full-time.  It’s not worth describing every point made for even the 12-year old struggled to come up with actual reasons why.  I’ll summarize:

“You never listen…” = “I’m angry that I’m not getting my way.”  This mostly pertains to having to go to school and limiting WiFi at night.  Dad’s not listening is actually dad being a responsible parent by making sure his daughter gets an education and the sleep she needs.

“You’re stubborn…” = “I’m still not getting exactly what I want and no matter how many times I make my argument, you stubbornly say no.”  In addition to going to school, this includes dad’s insistence upon adding something healthy to her otherwise all-sugar diet.  No, we don’t consider Nutella a healthy food group nor do we allow her to take the Costco sized tub of peanut M&Ms to her bedroom.  The last time she did that, the entire tub was eaten in less than 36 hours.

“You never buy me anything…” – “I feel entitled to buy everything I want and resent any restrictions whatsoever.”  Despite the fact that the brand new gaming computer box is still sitting upstairs at our house, everything that makes its way to mom’s house, the 12-year old has been led to believe mom bought for her.  This goes for clothes, room decorations, dad’s personal skateboard, and a bike from grandma.  It is truly beyond my understanding how mom can convince her daughter that she is the only one buying things.

“All my friends hate being here…” – “My friends and I would rather be at moms where there are no rules.”  Never mind the fact that we’re driving everyone to the ski slopes and paying for private snowboarding classes…

Weak reasoning aside, the therapy session took a dire turn the moment the 12-year old reduced dad to tears.  Although she had used her own tears for added affect throughout the session, the moment dad finally cracked, the 12-year felt she had finally won.  She turned stone cold – ZERO emotion – Earning nothing short of the “B” designation.  Even with the therapist’s guidance that she would regret this decision to alienate her father, the 12-year simply replied that she didn’t care and that it was her regret to have.

Whew…  Seriously, where do you go from here???

Her reactive sense of calm, coupled with her total lack of empathy, in response to her father’s distress, is what disturbs me the most.  In a way, this 12-year old is acting out the exact same behaviors that her mother used to.  Since mom no longer has the ability to unload as usual, she’s using her own daughter as an outlet… Finding a warped sense of fulfillment every time her daughter hurts her father on mom’s behalf.

Sadly, some patterns live on through children long after divorce.  And while this 12-year old may not recognize it now, this time with dad that’s being stolen from her is precious.  My hope is that she recognizes the alienation game mom is playing out of spite and that she has an abundance of opportunities to love and be loved unconditionally by her father.

Life is too short to stubbornly accumulate regrets.

When Your Child’s Behavior Borderlines Abusive

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Yes – I brought up the idea that a child’s behavior could actually be considered abusive in my last post.  Whew!  I said it… and by the tone of things, I can see that while people may think it, no one actually openly admits and says it.

So let’s break this down a bit –

Kids triggering their parents overall?  Definitely!  Particularly teenagers.  Kids trigger us in ways only a parent could love them unconditionally through.  And even then, they’ll push it even further and further to find out exactly what the limits are.  It’s their job to push boundaries, make mistakes, and discover their own way.  Teen-hood has never been pretty, even with the most mild-mannered children.  Bumps and bruises are to be expected.

Children of Divorce?  Make that a double.  I think it’s safe to assume that triggers will be doubled as kids not only push their own regular boundaries, but emulate a parent’s ex-spouse who obviously knew exactly how to triggers us to our breaking point – Hence divorce.

In addition to the regular bumps and bruises, there will likely be broken bones and gloriously spectacular tantrums as they learn how to pit one parent against the other.  Let’s face it, children of divorce become master manipulators.  With no checks and balances between parents, they learn early how to “work the system” to get what they want.

So when does it actually become abusive?

I believe this happens when you have a parent who is abusive (there – I said it).  These are the ex’s that have no personal boundaries and use their child to specifically hurt their ex.  Manipulating and projecting their own issues onto their child which, I consider, abusive in and of itself.  Their basic goal is to alienate their children from their ex and make them hate their ex as much as they do.  Because it stems in abuse, children simply emulate it.  This is just how mom treats dad (or vice versa), so it’s ok in their minds.

I would be willing to bet that these kids aren’t even aware of the idea that they are emulating abusive behaviors because they, themselves, are part of the same abusive loop being used by the manipulating parent.

While I can’t stand this term, I find that it applies. Hurt people hurt others – aka – Abused kids abuse others…

What I dislike the most about that statement is that it removes personal choice.  We are not destined to hurt or abuse others just because we’ve been hurt of abused – It’s a choice we make.  But perhaps we need to be mature enough to recognize when we’ve been hurt or abused – how we tend to project those feelings outward – before we are able to make that choice.

At age 12, she’s not even aware of the anger and hate her mother lays on her shoulders… Least of all capable of making an active choice to act upon it or not.  Right now, loving dad feels like a betrayal to mom, so she spits out her mother’s words of hate and anger, not even realizing that they are not hers.

People tell me that she’ll get it when she’s older… Perhaps my bigger fear is that she won’t and lives a life similar to that of her mother’s, holding onto all that needless hurt and rage.

Which leaves me with this – the ONLY thing we can control is how we choose to live and treat each other.  We need to BE the loving, supportive, and thoughtful people that we want this 12-year old to grow up to be.  SHOW her what a household of respect and kindness feels like and trust that one day she will choose this better feeling place and release her anger.

In the meantime, we are constantly trying to release this “battle” that we’ve never been engaged in.  That’s her mother’s delusion.  And while it feels like mom is winning short-term, we’ve got our eye on the long-term prize – raising an amazing human being who will someday choose to be happy.

When You Know You’ve Lost the Battle

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Would a 12-year old lie about a friend’s suicide?

That is the hard reality we were faced with this past week.  Our heart’s ached as the 12-year old was “inconsolable…”   Which resulted in staying at mom’s house and not going to school.  It also resulted in our “do everything to make her feel better” weekend when we picked her up.  Friday night started with taking her to a concert with her friend (who stayed the entire weekend), a trapeze class Saturday, a “polar plunge” pool afternoon, and outdoor movie night.  Every effort was made to take her mind off this tragedy.

Then came Sunday night…

Rage is the best way to describe it and… unfortunately… it isn’t even hers so she’s unable to fully articulate why she’s so angry – she just IS.  It started out with her complaint that dad doesn’t buy her anything… that she didn’t want to go to trapeze class (even though she had been asking for it for months)… that dad forced her to stay at trapeze camp even though she was tired… etc. etc. etc. 

She hysterically packed three bags and walked out the door – To which we found her mother already parked in the parking lot of the park near our house (of course her mother lied when my partner called and said she was at home so it wouldn’t look like they were in cahoots).

All a mountain of lies…

The stalemate ended with the 12-year old sitting in her mother’s car listing off all the reasons why she hated living with him and wanted to live with mom.  My partner was reduced to tears and simply stated “I love you…”  To which the 12-year old swiftly responded “well I don’t like you” and turned away.

This literally broke my partner’s heart and I tear up just imagining how badly I would feel if I had ever reduced my own father to tears.  We rely on this 12-year old’s empathy to remind us that she is not her narcissistic mother.  Without empathy, we fear she’s lost.

Come dawn, my partner had an epiphany – At dad’s house, the 12-year old has to go to school or all electronics are taken from her… But at mom’s, she can do whatever she likes without any repercussions.  So when we got the call from the school notifying us that she wasn’t there, followed by his ex’s slew of texts complaining that her daughter was refusing to go to school and she couldn’t handle it anymore, we weren’t surprised in the slightest.

Which, I hate to say, then had us questioning the validity of this online friend’s death… The extent she might go to just to skip school…

There’s an ongoing battle, even though my partner and I avoid conflict at all costs and refuse to participate.  The mother thought she won the moment her daughter proclaimed that she hated dad and reduced him to tears – Well done narcissist mom, you got exactly what you wanted.

But in actuality, the warped winner here is the 12-year old who missed yet another week of school with no consequences whatsoever.

If Sunday night’s tantrum is indicative of what this 12-year old is willing to do to get what she wants, I worry for both my partner’s heart and this young girl’s soul.  Closely tied to my Win at All Costs post – How do you create a loving and uplifting household with a child who is literally unable (or unwilling) to care about anyone else?

My partner will never give up on his daughter – The amazing father that he is and always will be.

Only now, I feel the need to help protect my partner from these abusive outbursts.  And I know I might strike a chord using the “abusive” word, but this is the same narcissistic abuse inflicted by her mother which led to the demise of a marriage.

Which leaves me with this – How do we break this cycle?

Resiliance

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When my partner’s 12-year old asked us what “useful information” learned in Jr High and High School has helped us over the course of our lives, our initial response was “nothing…”  Aside from occasionally helping her with her math homework, I can’t think of a single point in my adult life wherein calculus has proven useful.

She’s making an argument (yes, this is pretty much the daily routine) for switching to an online school program.  Argument being that she’ll be able to go at an accelerated pace and graduate early.  All good right?!  Of course, I’m pretty sure it has more to do with simply not wanting to go to school or do homework – an acceptable excuse to stay home and game all day.  Damn COVID has made these kids believe that going to school and doing homework is optional – that they can’t fail or be held back.

Which made me reevaluate her question.  The classes may have come and gone without impacting my life.  But the social skills – core life skills – I learned during those uncomfortable, socially awkward formative years were absolutely instrumental in becoming the person I am today.

Most import of these life skills – Resilience.

I learned how to pick myself back up after falling flat on my face.  I learned how to handle the mean girls (who later become mean co-workers) and how to let things roll off my back by not taking everything personally.  I learned how to push myself past my limitations – to push through my anxiety and fear of public speaking to get a project done or stand in front of a classroom for a presentation.  Basically, I learned how to push myself to become more than I was at age 12.

What’s going to happen to these kids who have never failed and have “anxiety passes” to leave class anytime they feel stressed or uncomfortable?  What happens if this 12-year old checks out of her life physically and emotionally to live virtually?

So I’d like to rephrase my answer.  What did I learn?  Everything essential to growing up to become an independent, successful, and happy adult.

Giving in to this 12-year old’s desire to excuse herself from the growing pains of teen-hood feels like the biggest mistake we could make.  She’s just beginning her self-discovery journey.  Sure, it’s a bumpy ride, but I would rather she learn that she’s stronger than she thinks and can handle this marvelous game called LIFE.

If I could give her just three pieces of advice right now (and if she could actually hear it):

1.  Failure(s – many) is the precursor to success – We will never succeed if we’re too afraid to try… Or too weak to pick ourselves up when we fall flat on our face.  Fail gloriously and often and you will enjoy sweet success.

2.  Pushing past our comfort zones is how we expand and grow – We cannot create and become if we’re restricted by self-imposed limitations.  Drop all the labels and reinvent yourself any way you like… any time you like.

3.  Live your life – Watching other people’s air-brushed, glossy “faux” lives online isn’t living.  Our “now” is precious – step away from the electronics and enjoy a fully present, sensational life.

Of course, I’m looking back on these teenage-angst years from a safe distance… You couldn’t pay me enough to repeat them.

Cover Your A$$ – Not Design It

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The moment the words came out of her mouth, I couldn’t help but chuckle… She was making an argument for needing new clothes – designer clothes – and was making her big finish by surmising that it’s dad’s “responsibility” as her father to clothe her.

Now normally, I leave the public debate with the 12-year-old up to my partner, but I couldn’t help but take my cue from my mother’s gamebook and quickly responded: “It’s your dad’s responsibility to cover your ass, not design it.”

Damn it, I’ve become my mother.  She warned me that one day this would happen, and I couldn’t help but burst into laughter over the very thought of it.

“It’s not that funny,” the 12-year old wasn’t quite sure what just happened… Was dad going to buy the Lululemon leggings or not?

I grew up with the “B-word” – Budget.  Something this girl has absolutely no concept of.  Material possessions flow in effortlessly and flow out equally without hesitation.  No saving up for something special, taking meticulous care, and appreciating to the fullest.  Just toss it on the pile of other stuff on the floor and chuck it for something new when the mood hits.

While my partner shares my budging values, he feels responsible for fulfilling all his daughter’s needs.  So when she says she needs something like shampoo, my partner automatically thinks “basic needs” and has it ordered on Amazon within seconds… Never considering the $95 price tag.

Enter Peer Pressure…

Then there’s the best friend who explained how things work at her house (their moms are also best friends if that gives you some idea of how incestuous this is).  She then described how she throws out all her clothes twice a year – whether she likes them or not – and her parents buy her a brand new wardrobe…  Sometimes two of everything so she can keep her favorites at both her mom’s and dad’s houses…  Apparently, “It’s just easier that way.”  Oh, and you can forget about doing your own laundry – they have a maid for that.

So when this 12-year old looks at us with disgust and proclaims in her snootiest of tones – “You never buy me anything!” I am truly dumbstruck.  You would think that our lack of fulfilling her every desire was somehow abusive behavior.   My goodness, don’t even get me started with the fact that she considers it easier to buy something new than do laundry or bring some of her clothes back to our house.

Back to mom’s playbook…

My first piece of advice?  No 12-year old “needs” $120 leggings… The $20 Fabletics version will suit her just fine.  Right now, she’s growing like a weed.  Nothing fits long enough to make $120 worth it.

I then suggested giving her a monthly allowance – Then hold her to it!  Here’s my logic:

1.  Teaches her to prioritize – She’s thinking through her overall purchases, how everything works together, and determines what items are most important to her.  Now we’re investing in a wardrobe, not just buying mindlessly.

2.  She does the math – She looks at and tracks the prices, learns how to calculate the 30% discount, and tallies up total costs.  That, alone, is more math than she’s done this past year in school.

3.  Appreciation – At the end of the month when she’s spent her allowance and “needs” something, she just might appreciate dad for giving her extra (rather than simply expecting it) – might.

In essence, she’s learning a bit about the value of money.

It takes effort to instill values in our kids.  We have to stand firm and be good parents in order to raise kids who become smart and savvy adults.  The alternative would still be paying off her credit cards when she’s 40… Yea, the extra effort now is well worth it.

For the record, she decided that grocery store shampoo works just fine and opted for a new skateboard over the Lululemon leggings.  Bravo girl!

Win at All Costs

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Did I mention that her mother’s a lawyer?  A pretty cutthroat one for that matter.  This explains most of the 12 year old’s master manipulative negotiation tactics and her need to win at all costs…

Let’s start with the fact that my partner is a really good dad.  He always makes himself available and listens intently.  Even if the answer is an immediate “no”, he will spend hours upon hours listening to her arguments so she feels heard and valued.  That’s how good of a man he is.  Of course, his daughter is more than willing to push his kindness limits and assumes that if he’s listening, there’s an argument to win.  So she keeps arguing… and arguing… and arguing…

One day I finally had to point out the fact that his “I’ll think about it” was being perceived as “I just need to argue my case better” to win… Which only prolongs the exhaustive negotiations.

To support my take a step back theory, we have more perspective for our partners if we’re not in the middle of the hostile negotiations. When you’re not part of the argument, you notice the subtle undertones. I know exactly when she’s lying, how the story changes slightly to cover it up, and the overly emotional meltdown to distract if she feels the cover-up isn’t fooling him. All my husband saw is that she lost her shit and is now bawling hysterically so he needs to jump in and “fix it” for her.

Keep it on the sidelines – Once the 12 year old gets her “win” and the household settles, I’ll then share my thoughts privately.  I’ve learned that rational and practical is all he wants to hear – NOTHING EMOTIONAL – for his daughter just drained every ounce of energy from him.

I’ve amused myself by naming a few of her negotiation tactics:

Twisting:  Making the assumption that dad has already said yes to what she’s been asking for… then making him responsible for fulfilling the conditions he put in place to say yes to her request. 

Diverting:  If she finds that she’s unable to win the argument at hand, she will actually start an entirely different argument that she thinks she can win.

Upper Handing:  Giving dad the silent treatment saying that he should know why she’s angry.  He’s then responsible for engaging in an effort to fix it… On her terms … oh, and after her gaming…

Assuming: It’s easier to make an assumption because then she doesn’t have to make any effort whatsoever… Of course, that won’t fly with dad so just lie and say she’s tried and it didn’t work… If he’s not buying it, just keep giving more and more examples (lies) to support the assumption.

Eyelash Batting:  “So dad….” Is how this negotiation starts… Almost coyly, before making the ask.  This maneuver, my friends, is a very manipulative woman in the making… with an expensive purse collection to show for it.

I can give him as much insight as he’s willing to see. But this last week he had a huge awakening as he questioned her ever-growing, myriad of arguments about not wanting to go to school – She’s not feeling well, the boys aren’t nice to her on the bus, she has social anxiety disorder, her teacher’s are mean and aren’t helping her get caught up on late homework assignments, she doesn’t have anything to wear, she’s bored because she’s too smart for this school, it doesn’t matter because they have to pass her like last year’s COVID excuse… It goes on and on…

What did my partner learn the moment he cut out the argumentative s#*$? The truth can be found by going to the source.

That included meeting with her principal to have her actually fill out a complaint against the boys who she feels have been bullying her; Meeting with her counselor and truancy officer to get everyone on the same page; and Meeting with teachers to get homework assignments.

Result? All the lies were revealed and she’s back in school after having missed a full quarter. Now wasn’t that worth three trips to her school?

Coming in Hot

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Every weekly exchange between moms house and dads house is a challenge. We call it “coming in hot” to describe the hostile, angry energy this girl brings with her every Sunday night. We’re quite aware that her mother makes incredibly disparaging remarks about her father in front of her… She carries her mother’s hostility out of loyalty to mom, but has no idea that it’s not hers.

We’ve taken the high ground with hopes that someday she will realize that we have never said anything negative about her mother – to her or in front of her. But she’s 12 and still believes everything her mom is telling her, which pretty much makes her act like a total B*$@% as she mirrors her mother’s reality.

That said, we’re prepared.  We know it will take at least 3-4 days to shake some of the hostility.  The “I hate you” wall will begin to crumble the more time she spends with us… and, if we’re lucky, we might enjoy a “sweet spot” movie night or lovely afternoon by the pool over the weekend.  But come Sunday… the buildup begins as she prepares to make the transition back to moms… Then we start the process all over again.

Amidst this roller coaster of lashing out – emotional breakdowns – stalemates – and (hopefully) connection, I’ve learned that we step-parents need to occasionally take a big step back.  Not just for own sanity’s sake, but for that of our partner.  Reactively jumping into every lunacy “phase” only contributes our own frustrations to the problem.

I’ll admit I’ve struggled with this.  I was raised with the “be a united front” advice that I’m now realizing only works if you actually have a parental united front.  Since a co-parenting united front isn’t going to happen anytime soon and I’m not part of that actual parental unit, I’ve had to learn how to disengage.

Perhaps even more difficult, has been standing back and watching him get battered and bruised through the weekly process of burning off all that angry mom energy.

Some days all I can do is take a deep breath and step out of the way.  Trust that my partner can do this…. Then support the hell out of him from the sidelines to ensure just that. We need to be the clarity that only comes from an objective perspective… The safe harbor when our partner’s need refuge from the storm.  And we can’t do that if we’re engaged in battle.

Our Therapist was Full of S#*$

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We waited nine months and met with his therapist before I met his daughter.  We wanted to make sure “we” were solid before introducing a new woman in her life and wanted to do everything the “correct” way.

I unquestionably took in every word of advice this therapist offered… then literally threw up on my drive to meet my boyfriend for dinner.  It took a solid week of mulling things over in my head, actually trying to justify this “professional’s” viewpoint, to finally come to the conclusion that her opinion was TOTAL S#*$.

Let’s just take her advice on how we should “officially” meet each other…. I was to go to his friend’s house (who I didn’t know) for their weekend pool parties… The hope would be that his daughter would become familiar with me, maybe even like me… We would then need to wait for his 9 year old daughter to decide that it was time for dad to date… This, in turn, would become the perfect opportunity for his daughter to decide who he should date… and, somehow, this would all magically align that she would remember me from the parties and suggest that her father ask me out…

Whew!  If it was exhausting reading that, just imagine the idea of assembling it!  In summation: 1) I was to hang out at a stranger’s house hoping a 9 year old might notice me (forget the fact that she’s there to play with her friends in the pool); and 2) daughter gets to decide not only when dad should date, but whom (am I the only one seeing an issue here?).

But where I truly struggled, was with the therapist’s advice for continually reassuring his daughter with the statement: “You’re my number one girl.”  My knee-jerk reaction was taking it quite personally… for if we’re ranking the situation, then that makes me (and everyone else) less than by comparison.  But once I removed myself and thought it fully through, the BS nature was clear as day – That very statement holds the context that there’s not enough love to go around and positions us as competition for this love.

Love is NOT limited or ranked.  I would rather teach this child that love is unlimited… That there’s more than enough to go around… That she is loved and accepted no matter what… That the very existence of me means that there is an even more abundance of love to be shared in our home.

I’m glad I waited that full week to share my thoughts – for this “professional’s” advice went against everything I believe in and was well worth challenging rather than following under the guise that she knew what was best for us. Trust your instincts Step-Parents and don’t be afraid to stand up to the so-called authority figures on the subject.