Yes – I brought up the idea that a child’s behavior could actually be considered abusive in my last post.  Whew!  I said it… and by the tone of things, I can see that while people may think it, no one actually openly admits and says it.

So let’s break this down a bit –

Kids triggering their parents overall?  Definitely!  Particularly teenagers.  Kids trigger us in ways only a parent could love them unconditionally through.  And even then, they’ll push it even further and further to find out exactly what the limits are.  It’s their job to push boundaries, make mistakes, and discover their own way.  Teen-hood has never been pretty, even with the most mild-mannered children.  Bumps and bruises are to be expected.

Children of Divorce?  Make that a double.  I think it’s safe to assume that triggers will be doubled as kids not only push their own regular boundaries, but emulate a parent’s ex-spouse who obviously knew exactly how to triggers us to our breaking point – Hence divorce.

In addition to the regular bumps and bruises, there will likely be broken bones and gloriously spectacular tantrums as they learn how to pit one parent against the other.  Let’s face it, children of divorce become master manipulators.  With no checks and balances between parents, they learn early how to “work the system” to get what they want.

So when does it actually become abusive?

I believe this happens when you have a parent who is abusive (there – I said it).  These are the ex’s that have no personal boundaries and use their child to specifically hurt their ex.  Manipulating and projecting their own issues onto their child which, I consider, abusive in and of itself.  Their basic goal is to alienate their children from their ex and make them hate their ex as much as they do.  Because it stems in abuse, children simply emulate it.  This is just how mom treats dad (or vice versa), so it’s ok in their minds.

I would be willing to bet that these kids aren’t even aware of the idea that they are emulating abusive behaviors because they, themselves, are part of the same abusive loop being used by the manipulating parent.

While I can’t stand this term, I find that it applies. Hurt people hurt others – aka – Abused kids abuse others…

What I dislike the most about that statement is that it removes personal choice.  We are not destined to hurt or abuse others just because we’ve been hurt of abused – It’s a choice we make.  But perhaps we need to be mature enough to recognize when we’ve been hurt or abused – how we tend to project those feelings outward – before we are able to make that choice.

At age 12, she’s not even aware of the anger and hate her mother lays on her shoulders… Least of all capable of making an active choice to act upon it or not.  Right now, loving dad feels like a betrayal to mom, so she spits out her mother’s words of hate and anger, not even realizing that they are not hers.

People tell me that she’ll get it when she’s older… Perhaps my bigger fear is that she won’t and lives a life similar to that of her mother’s, holding onto all that needless hurt and rage.

Which leaves me with this – the ONLY thing we can control is how we choose to live and treat each other.  We need to BE the loving, supportive, and thoughtful people that we want this 12-year old to grow up to be.  SHOW her what a household of respect and kindness feels like and trust that one day she will choose this better feeling place and release her anger.

In the meantime, we are constantly trying to release this “battle” that we’ve never been engaged in.  That’s her mother’s delusion.  And while it feels like mom is winning short-term, we’ve got our eye on the long-term prize – raising an amazing human being who will someday choose to be happy.