Did I mention that her mother’s a lawyer?  A pretty cutthroat one for that matter.  This explains most of the 12 year old’s master manipulative negotiation tactics and her need to win at all costs…

Let’s start with the fact that my partner is a really good dad.  He always makes himself available and listens intently.  Even if the answer is an immediate “no”, he will spend hours upon hours listening to her arguments so she feels heard and valued.  That’s how good of a man he is.  Of course, his daughter is more than willing to push his kindness limits and assumes that if he’s listening, there’s an argument to win.  So she keeps arguing… and arguing… and arguing…

One day I finally had to point out the fact that his “I’ll think about it” was being perceived as “I just need to argue my case better” to win… Which only prolongs the exhaustive negotiations.

To support my take a step back theory, we have more perspective for our partners if we’re not in the middle of the hostile negotiations. When you’re not part of the argument, you notice the subtle undertones. I know exactly when she’s lying, how the story changes slightly to cover it up, and the overly emotional meltdown to distract if she feels the cover-up isn’t fooling him. All my husband saw is that she lost her shit and is now bawling hysterically so he needs to jump in and “fix it” for her.

Keep it on the sidelines – Once the 12 year old gets her “win” and the household settles, I’ll then share my thoughts privately.  I’ve learned that rational and practical is all he wants to hear – NOTHING EMOTIONAL – for his daughter just drained every ounce of energy from him.

I’ve amused myself by naming a few of her negotiation tactics:

Twisting:  Making the assumption that dad has already said yes to what she’s been asking for… then making him responsible for fulfilling the conditions he put in place to say yes to her request. 

Diverting:  If she finds that she’s unable to win the argument at hand, she will actually start an entirely different argument that she thinks she can win.

Upper Handing:  Giving dad the silent treatment saying that he should know why she’s angry.  He’s then responsible for engaging in an effort to fix it… On her terms … oh, and after her gaming…

Assuming: It’s easier to make an assumption because then she doesn’t have to make any effort whatsoever… Of course, that won’t fly with dad so just lie and say she’s tried and it didn’t work… If he’s not buying it, just keep giving more and more examples (lies) to support the assumption.

Eyelash Batting:  “So dad….” Is how this negotiation starts… Almost coyly, before making the ask.  This maneuver, my friends, is a very manipulative woman in the making… with an expensive purse collection to show for it.

I can give him as much insight as he’s willing to see. But this last week he had a huge awakening as he questioned her ever-growing, myriad of arguments about not wanting to go to school – She’s not feeling well, the boys aren’t nice to her on the bus, she has social anxiety disorder, her teacher’s are mean and aren’t helping her get caught up on late homework assignments, she doesn’t have anything to wear, she’s bored because she’s too smart for this school, it doesn’t matter because they have to pass her like last year’s COVID excuse… It goes on and on…

What did my partner learn the moment he cut out the argumentative s#*$? The truth can be found by going to the source.

That included meeting with her principal to have her actually fill out a complaint against the boys who she feels have been bullying her; Meeting with her counselor and truancy officer to get everyone on the same page; and Meeting with teachers to get homework assignments.

Result? All the lies were revealed and she’s back in school after having missed a full quarter. Now wasn’t that worth three trips to her school?